Angel in Training, Chapter 2

Chapter 2   Smilette Seduction

        Peter did his drunk chicken dance to exit the stage as she ran quickly to the microphone and grabbed it.

        “Holy hell on Sunday, was that just me or did it just feel like we sat through a four hour church meeting. I didn’t think I would ever get goofball off the stage. I’m just glad you didn’t have to see him do the drunk chicken dance totally nude.  He told me if he couldn’t get a laugh out of you guys you were all going to see his Bear Lake monster. And that my friends is like looking at a welder, once you look at it, your life is like a permanent LSD trip.”

        The now totally drunk crowd laughed hysterically, as Peter watched from backstage, infatuated and totally in love.

       “So…” The crowd began to laugh at her plagiarized goofball idea. “I thought I could pick up where goofball left off but from a woman’s perspective. Remember for this therapy session to work, you’re going to have to be totally honest. And all you guys need to take the constructive criticism so you won’t be such a jackass and maybe get laid.”

        All the girls in the audience laughed but only a few of the guys. 

        “So… How many women in this comedy club fake orgasms with your husband or boyfriend to get it over quickly so you can have phone sex with some guy from the Internet you’ve never met.”

         Sissy Smilette raised her hand and waved it back and forth very exaggerated as all the girls in the bar laughed and waved their hands too.

        “Well that was enough men bashing for the evening but I like doing it because it makes me horny.”

        That landed her a pretty good laugh before she went on.

        “So… I’m sure the gals but especially the guys would enjoy some good gynecologist humor. I’m sure every girl in here has let a huge fart during a vaginal exam. And of course the doctor is very handsome and single. But that’s so common let’s not discuss that any further. My most embarrassing moment was when my gynecologist got in close for the good stuff and yelled. Fire in the hole and the nurse grabbed a fire extinguisher. Now that was embarrassing, especially when the assisting nurse was the most stuck up girl in my graduating class. The other embarrassing moment happened after I switched gynecologist and was similar. Just when he got in close for the good stuff, he puked right on the bull’s-eye. After that I just started finding guys on freeway off ramps with the will work for food sign and let them do the dirty work.”

          That story brought the best laughter and applause of the night from the totally lubricated crowd. Sissy knew this was one of those nights when she was going to let it all hang out.

        “So… Do any of you guys out there know why girls can have multiple orgasms and you only get one?”

         She paused for a few seconds and then said.

        “Who cares.”

        Once again the girls in the audience laughed harder than the guys.

        “So… Does anyone here know what Nancy Pelosi and a tampon have in common?”

         She paused for a few seconds.

         “They’re both stuck up bitches.”

          That line got her a modest laugh so she went on to her next ideas for hysteric laughter.

      “So… It never ceases to amaze me the dumb ass things small peckerd guys do thinking they’re going to impress a hot chick and maybe get laid. So… I thought goofball had a great idea, that it is our duty as comedians to try and educate our audience. From what I’ve seen so far most of you should probably be at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting or serving a life sentence in prison. So… Pay attention guys never ever never try this because you’re horny and chicks think you’re ugly. Never… Eat weird smelly disgusting things so a girl will think you’re cool. Here are some examples. A scorpion on a turd, or a pubic hair of unknown origin on a turd, or anything that comes out of the midget’s bellybutton, or anything that is scraped off of a cow’s utter, or anything with a warning label that says do not reuse this product, or anything with mold growing on it that you scraped off the bottom of a dumpster behind a gynecology office in July. or anything you find behind your couch that hasn’t been moved in four years. So… How many unfortunately small endowed guys in the audience feel truly smarter now?”

        Everyone laughed but especially the girls that had obviously seen that kind of behavior before.

         “So… Just thinking about flying gives me anxiety. So… My psychotherapist told me I should detach from reality and fly in my fantasy world. So… It never ever happens but I’m always hopeful that I will sit next to a rich, handsome, flirtatious guy who is single and ready for the wildest ride of his life. The kind of guy who buys me cocktail after cocktail trying to get me looped up so he can take full advantage of me.”

        Sissy let the crowd laughed as she groped and fondled herself. Her tongue was on her lips moving back and forth wildly and she had a very pleased look on her face.

        “So… as directed by my psychotherapist before I fly, I practice bull shit lines in front of the mirror with a French accent. You know for when he asks what I do or what my hobbies are. Thanks for asking Mr. Orgasm Waiting To Happen, I’m just getting back from Switzerland where I accepted the Nobel Peace Prize for poetry. Thanks for asking Mr. Gigantic Bank Account, I just got back from Africa where I taught unfortunate children how to read and write. Thanks for asking Mr. I Want To Lick Every Inch Of Your Body, I’m going to Harvard to pick up my honorary PhD in political science. Thanks for asking Mr. Perfect Body, I’m going to John Hopkins University to do research on a new cancer cure. Thanks for asking Mr. Muscular Perfect 10, I’m going to New York to be and bra and underwear model.”

        Once again the girls in the club were cracking up as the guys laughed with them hoping they might get laid later.

       “So… After years of psychotherapy I finally figured out why I am afraid to fly. I finally found a memory trapped deep in my sub consciousness. The memory came oozing out of a depression fog. Please try not to cry during this sad story. I was trapped in the window seat by a 400 pound hillbilly, with only one tooth, with greasy hair, with dirty everything, with bad breath, with zits that needed to be popped, and with a particular odor about him that probably smelled like Jeffrey Dahmer’s bedroom.”

        Sissy dropped to her knees and was acting a perfect I’m puking impersonation. Everyone laughed hysterically because they have probably had the same experience.

       “So… When this happens in a claustrophobic setting your mind really starts to run in overdrive. To make it worse it was a flight with a lot of turbulence so I couldn’t leave my seat. My first thought was to yell I’ve got a bomb and I know how to use it. My second thought was to tell the flight attendant I was a reincarnation of DB Cooper. The third thought was to scream like I’m bona fide crazy, there’s a rattlesnake under my seat.

        Sissy danced around on the stage acting like she was avoiding a rattlesnake.  She was messing up her hair and screaming like a wild banshee as the crowd laughed hysterically

        So… Just then the turbulence stopped and I literally crawled over the fat bastard to get my overnight bag. For about five seconds one of my legs got trapped in a roll of fat on his belly and my life flashed in front of my eyes. I felt like I was in Africa and an alligator was trying to pull me into the swamp. I pulled so hard to get away from the fat bastard that when my leg finally came free I somersaulted into the alley. I jumped up and got my overnight bag out of the overhead and frantically opened it. I grabbed a handful of Tylenol, four stool softener’s, an Alka-Seltzer, all my birth control pills, all my vitamins, a suppository, and jammed them into my mouth all at once. Then I washed them all down with my perfume and a whole bottle of mouthwash. Then I climbed over the fat bastard and let out a huge fart and cupped him. That was the last thing I remember before I woke up in the emergency room.”

       Her long story had everyone hysterically laughing so she decided to stay on the subject of flying.

       “So… When I need to fly now, I actually try to prepare myself to be the biggest ass hole on the plane. I decided I’m going to be the perpetrator not the victim anymore. The last time I flew I had a seat next to the most rigid looking librarian stereotype I’ve ever seen. Except for her glasses, she could’ve won a Hillary Clinton look-alike contest complete with the pantsuit. She had that look I’m sure Bill Clinton gets a lot, you know the one, I want to kill you for smoking cigars with the White House aid.”

        Sissy could tell the crowd was totally enjoying the flying experience humor because they were surely in a flight like this themselves. As they laughed hysterically and chugged their cocktails. Susie looked down her low-cut blouse and said.

       “What did you call me? I think my boobs just heckled me.”

        Then she started slapping her boobs with her hands.

       “That’ll teach those girls not to be respectful of mama.”

       The crowd was now out of control and fully lubricated ready to hear next part of her story.

       “Sorry I got distracted by my sassy tits. So… Before I even sit down she introduces herself as Dr. Annie Ray David, PhD, Psychotherapist. Which my screwed up mind interpreted as Dr. Anal re-tentative LSD Psycho-the-rapist.”

        The drunk audience was laughing hysterically now. Which encouraged Sissy to push the limit.

       “So… I wanted to make this flight seem as short as possible. So… I decided to see how competent the psychotherapist really was. I knew I could find out which of us bitches really needed the psychotherapy.

         The crowd laughed as Sissy messed up her hair even more and look at the audience with one eye bugging out as she curled her nose up and did a little pig sound.

        “Well Dr. David Phd, I’ll bet you’ve seen every insanity shit storm known to man and I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of questions. I just need to verify to myself that I’m not a danger to myself, or anyone sitting next to me. I don’t care what that Sheriff said yesterday when he arrested me, I am not going to the cuckoo’s nest.”

         The drunk crowd wasn’t holding any laughter back. Some of them started to convulsively cough and looked like they were going to puke. Which made sissy want to work hard enough and her laughter game to see someone really puke. She hoped someone might puke on another drunk and start a great big perpetual puking machine.

         “It was a beautiful look she gave me, totally priceless, better than I even expected, I even had a micro orgasm. It was all I could do not to kiss her tongue and all.”

       The fat bastard sitting up front was coughing and laughing so hard he started to turn blue. Sissy knew that if he went into cardiac arrest she wouldn’t be the one putting her lips on his.

        “Let’s start with why my mother tells me I scare her and she wishes she drowned me in the bathtub when I was a baby.”

         Sissy started a great impression of fake crying to give her next line extra color.

         “That’s when I start fake crying, with my face in my hands, as I muttered things about child hood abuse. That’s also when she ordered a double whiskey for me, and a double vodka for her. When the whiskey came I downed it in one gulp and belched almost half of the national anthem. Then I look at her and see the best oh my God look I’ve ever seen, as she pounds her double vodka.”

         The crowd laughed harder than they had all night and that’s when knew she had the drunk croud where she wanted them.

         “So… I think to myself I should be an actor and then I said to her. Sometimes I think my reality is nothing but a tragedy. Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped outside my mind and body. Sometimes I wonder if I am the fringe of psychotic evolution. Sometimes I crave the coldness in the warmth of my insanity.”

        The drunk audience was laughing so hard now that all of them were coughing and their faces were turning red.

        “So… I looked at her face and Dr. Know It All, looked like she came face-to-face with naked circus midget on the shoulders of Chuck Schumer. So I proceed with a truckload of verbal turds. Sometimes I don’t trust myself alone with me. Sometimes I see blood in the art of stained glass windows. Sometimes the noise of my inner silence is deafening. Sometimes the poetry of my pain calls my name.”

       Sissy started another round of incredibly real fake crying as she fell on the floor and assumed the fetal position.

       “That’s when I put my hands in my face again for another round of fake crying. I’m was thinking, I’m on a roll here, Dr. Have Seen It All, looks like she was just abducted an probed by aliens. And it’s all I can do to keep from laughing, I don’t know if her all my God looks his tickling me more, or the line of bull shit I just spew is the funniest thing ever said in the history of the world. So… I decided to dig deeper into the pile of verbal insanity foreplay.”

         The crowd is now out of control and Big Billy Blastoff is smiling knowing that people who laugh drink more liquor.

        “Sometimes I see rainbows in total darkness. Sometimes I crave the taste of self cannibalism. Sometimes I fight the memories of the toxic womb of my mother. Sometimes I explore the silence in the noise of my confusion. Sometimes I think God created me to cleanse the world.”

        Sissy wondered if she should stop for a minute and let the crowd catch their breath. She sure as hell didn’t want to give mouth-to-mouth to the big ugly hillbilly on the front row, but then she thought what a way to die, almost as good as death from multiple orgasms.

       “The next look Dr. Scared To Death, gave me is, I wish I had a gun, I wish I knew martial arts, I wish I had a Taser, where the hell is the sky marshal. I was so elevated with the look she gave me I thought I might have nuclear orgasm. So… I told myself with confidence. You know, it was obvious that she believed I’m the queen of the cuckoo’s nest. So… I turned my motor mouth on high speed.”  

         Peter was backstage laughing his ass off wishing he had thought about creating a fear of flying comedy set. He was sure that he had never seen an audience in a comedy club laugh as hard as these drunks were laughing now.

       “Sometimes I try to solve the equation of inner darkness. Sometimes the prophecy of Black halos dipped in blood keeps me from sleeping. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a jet black hallway with no doors. Sometimes I dream I’m sleeping on silky white sheets where red Crow’s watch my lily white skin as it is touched by black creatures of the deep.”

        Sissy stopped her routine for a minute and just smiled as she enjoyed watching the out-of-control audience.

       “Suddenly Dr. Get Me The Hell Out Of Here, got up and ran to a flight attendant. As she talked to him, she was pointing at me. That’s when I found out where the sky marshal was sitting and found out what it feels like to wear a straitjacket. The beauty of the whole experience was I found out I really like lithium mixed with shock treatment.”

       The totally shit faced audience was now laughing hysterically and that was Sissy’s cue to end on the best laugh of the night.

       “Thanks for coming out all you hot looking babes and you dysfunctional guys. It’s nice to know that because of your addictions I can make a payment on my extensive psychotherapy bill. And then I can roll joints in my food stamps instead of instead of buying rice and beans with them.”

         Sissy then spanked her own ass several times yelling stop it in an orgasmic way. When she was done on stage she walked back to where Peter stood smiling

        “What did you think Goofball. I hope you didn’t mind me tag teaming your humor ideas?”

        Peter smiled as he melted with love sparks.

       “Hell no Sissy, anything I can do to help you scratch your way to the top, I’m your man. What do you say we get out of this hell hole and grab a bite to eat on the side of town where you don’t get a side of bullets with your meal.”

         She laughed hysterically and said.

         “Tonight isn’t good in fact I need to run right now but let’s see what next weekend brings. Maybe we could brainstorm some funny shit together.”

       As she grabbed her coat and walked toward the door, Peter didn’t take his eyes off of her. He just loved everything about her, the way she moved the way she walked the way she made everybody laugh hysterically. But he was just too shy to get right to the point of a relationship. Just as the door shut behind her Peter thought he better make sure she got on her way safely. He couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to her working this close to the gates of west side hell.

Angel In Training- 
A Story About The Laughter That Comes From Heaven. 
©Paul H. Keeler… A Cosmic Cowboy.

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